Sometimes a Death in the Family Brings Out the Worst in People!
Sometimes a death in the family brings out the worst in people! The events of this are close to being unbelievable! Yet, here we are, living it!
Has it really only been one month since January ended?! It feels sooooo much longer! I haven’t been getting the posts up as consistently as I previously had been doing and wanted to update you on why. (At least, one of the major reasons why. I wish this were the only difficulty!)
End of January
They were so cute! They look like little Abbott and Costellos! Mike is the taller one.
At the end of January, my husband got a call from his brother’s best friend. My husband’s brother, Mike, lives in another state, 11 hours away. This friend informed him that Mike had unexpectedly passed away 2 days prior to the phone call. It took them a while to find Mike’s phone and my husband’s number.
Mike would have been 51 years old 6 days after his passing. While Mike didn’t have the best health, it was quite the blow. He had many health problems and didn’t take very good care of himself. We always felt he would not live to be very old, but this was too soon.
All artwork I have posted here of Mike’s is copyrighted, do NOT use.
Arrangements
Typically, when someone passes away arrangements are made for their resting place. We have always known that would be up to us. Mike had nothing to do with most of the family. He still called his dad once in a while, but they didn’t have much of a relationship. The only sibling he was in touch with was my husband. Everyone else had disowned him and had nothing to do with him and he was very angry toward all of them, especially his mother.
Mike often said that my husband was more like his father, to him, than his little brother. He would talk to him for hours, give him spiritual counsel, remind him to pray, give him money here and there when he needed it, and tell him he loved him.
We knew Mike wanted to be cremated and his friends had a place they wanted to take the ashes. Mike’s friends were his family as much as we were. We felt that it is what Mike wanted and gave them our blessing to honor Mike and give him a resting place.
Things didn’t go smoothly!
Notify Family
So, if we didn’t tell anyone, few in the family would have known about his death. That feels tragic. People needed to know that he was no longer with us. My husband kept saying, “A mother deserves to know when her son dies.”
My husband’s relationship with his mother isn’t any better than Mike’s was with her. Trying to track her down and inform her proved to be difficult. We were finally able to reach her through the younger brother.
Demands
This part of the family: mother, brother, half brothers, half sister, step-family etc. haven’t had anything to do with Mike for the past 15-20 years! Now that he has passed, they wanted his stuff and ashes. Not only that, but they told us they wouldn’t be comfortable coming to a memorial for him with us, and so they were going to do their own. Oh, and we were not invited to come to their memorial! (Sounds like a given, but they made it clear that they wanted nothing to do with us in remembering Mike.)
Heartless!
Why so much disharmony?
Mike, my husband and their little brother were adopted by their step-father when they were 10-12 years old. Their father mistakenly thought that they would be better off with their mother and step-father than with him. However, later in life Mike, my husband and I changed our name back to their father’s name.
Riddled with abuse
The step-father was a horrible tyrant, to put it nicely. He was controlling, angry, mean, and completely abusive in every way! Mike got the brunt of all of the abuse. He was a good big brother and did what he could to protect his little brothers. Yet, the family still calls these beatings spankings. Where I come from, a spanking doesn’t leave welts and bruises, nor does it cause bleeding.
I have heard the stories (many times) and witnessed the ongoing pain and struggles caused by the abuse they suffered. It boggles my mind that so many in the family still brush it off, as if it was no big thing! They pretend like it was normal and okay. His family won’t talk about it, they won’t recognize it, and those responsible would never take responsibility.
“I Don’t Love You Anymore”
Can you imagine having your parent say that to you? I have seen it twice. My husband was told this by his mother, the day our daughter was born 26 years ago, when he called to tell her she was a grandmother. She told him she might love him again, if he turned back into the person he used to be: compliant, obedient, does everything they want, etc. (His infractions: worked a summer in another state, bought a computer, married a girl, me, who wasn’t on the approved dating and marrying list, and the list could continue for a long time!) Basically, they wanted to continue to control his life.
The second time was when I read Mike’s writings (after his death). She told him she didn’t love him anymore and said she would love him again under the same conditions she gave my husband.
There’s soooo much more!
Mike was very fractured from all of the abuse. He was gay, transvestite, anorexic, and diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder. Life wasn’t what anyone would consider normal, in anyway. Long periods of depression haunted him. His health suffered.
Big Heart
He titled this picture self acceptance. He did a lot of watercolor with his friends kids.
The biggest shining ray in his life were his friends. Mike had great friends! They were always there for him and they loved him so much!
His friends were his family. He had the same boyfriend for almost 20 years. The boyfriend’s family loved him dearly! His neighbors became his friends, years ago, and he was there for their wedding and the birth of their 3 children.
Everyone, we talked to said: “Mike was easy to love! He had a big heart!”
Complications
Because of all the mental health issues Mike was in government programs. There was a lot of paperwork, lack of communication and cooperation with the government, hospital and mortuary. It took way longer than it should have to put him to rest!
So, the memorial was last weekend. The beginning of March! He passed away, clear back at the end of January! I find it ridiculous that it has taken so long!
Fire
When Mike went to the hospital, the bathroom fan was left on and ran for nearly two weeks straight. (He lived alone. No one was there to turn it off and his friends are no longer his neighbors.) His friends were meeting at the apartment (waiting for one another, outside) to collect some of his artwork and other sentimental items. Then, they saw the smoke coming out of his apartment.
The fire department was called. They grabbed a few things (like childhood pictures). Mike had stapled his work to the walls and it was hard to remove. They didn’t get much. Then, the apartment manager came and when he heard about Mike’s death he demanded all the keys and wouldn’t let them back into the apartment. From what they could tell, nothing survived very well. Fire, smoke and water damage to the whole apartment.
Thankfully, Mike uploaded all of his art to this site: https://michael420le420mmon.deviantart.com/gallery
He also uploaded some of his art and writings here, but read at your own risk. He is blunt and angry and uses very colorful language. http://420michael420.simplesite.com/420645873
Younger Brother
The next task, after the memorial was to inform the younger brother, that nothing was left to give to him. This, of course, resulted in a scathing text from the youngest brother to my husband.
Really, how can you complain and be upset when you were never involved! How sentimental can it be when he wouldn’t even talk to Mike?!
Mental Health
The out of touch family doesn’t understand his mental health issues. Many of the childhood pictures are cut up. People who had cut him out of their lives were cut out of the photos. A painting Mike had, that his mom had painted, was cut into many pieces and only the frame was left. His art wasn’t taken care of in a way that could be well preserved and removed.
Death is hard on the living
Death is hard. It is hard to see someone’s life end. Mike had a hard life. Never was it easy for him, yet he often smiled and laughed.
For us, it was mourning his passing. Listening to my husband’s heart wrenching sobs. Wishing he could have and would have done something more for Mike when he was alive. (It was always hard, having him live so far away.) Working with his friends and trying to make arrangements for cremation. Gathering money for the arrangements from those willing and those from whom Mike would have accepted help. Figuring out the best way to remember the bright character that he was. (His friend described him as a walking highlighter.)
Notifying family and dealing with the rest of the family was the most stressful, difficult part of this whole experience. That is really saying something considering the fiasco we went through with the government program, hospital and mortuary! Unfortunately, there is probably more family fall-out (issues, problems, etc.) to come!
Reminds Me Of Mike
So, shortly before Mike’s death we saw “The Greatest Showman”. The day after his passing I woke up with the words from “This Is Me” running through my mind: “I am brave, I am bruised, I am who I’m meant to be, this is me. Look out ’cause here I come, and I’m marching on to the beat I drum. I’m not scared, to be seen, I make no apologies, this is me.”
We didn’t agree on everything and our lifestyles and beliefs were very different from one another, but we loved him and he loved us. He especially loved his younger brother. In Mike’s last moments, he made a heart shape with his hands, and kept mouthing my husband’s name. He wanted to make sure his brother knew how much he loved him!
Source: https://songtexte.co/en/the-greatest-showman-this-is-me-lyrics-04fc9d
Purple was his favorite color! He was so proud of all of his purple, he was even wearing purple socks with his sandals.
1st you teach people how to treat you by what you are willing to put up with. If you have no boundaries, you will be walked all over! Without boundaries it is a matter of time before that relationship becomes toxic.
Boundaries have always been a difficult thing for me, because I grew up with a mother that did 
I’ve put together a list of Valentine’s Day gift ideas for the one you love. Something beyond the traditional Valentine’s Day gifts. It can be hard to come up with ideas, especially when you want to get away from all the commercialized hype of the holiday. With that being said, Jewelry is always great!!!!
Kissing Mugs
Evidently, this was so important it was put in three times! Twice by me because I forgot I did it the first time and wanted to make sure it made it in! 
Here’s some of what we dipped into the chocolate fondue.
My husband and I have always believed that divorce is NOT the answer to our problems. We work out our problems and we have certainly had our share.
If you are someone who doesn’t want to get divorced and tries really hard to have a good stable marriage then worrying about divorce is a good thing. Now, I’m not talking about excessive worrying or being worried constantly that it is on the horizon. I mean worrying that if you don’t keep your end of the marriage agreement, then it could end.
If you are okay with everything then nothing will ever be off limits – that works great for the other person but you will become their doormat! It’s important to discuss what behaviors are acceptable what ones are not. Whenever possible, discuss things before there is a lot of emotion and hurt feelings. What ones can you compromise on?
These are different for everyone and some of the things can be worked on. However, if one person in the marriage is unwilling to work on things the other one will be unhappy (making marriage miserable for both of you) and it will eventually come to an end. People can only put up with so much for so long.
Reading scriptures together is a good way to grow together spiritually.
One of the most strengthening things a couple can do is to pray together. It allows your partner to hear the strength and faith that you have in God.
Another way to deepen your relationship is to do service together! I am so excited that our family will be serving as part of a live Nativity this year! (It is quite a production! 80-100 volunteers are needed each night!)
No matter how you shush or get after them they might not understand what their voices can do. They have to be taught how to hear the differences. Once this happens at church or somewhere where they have to be quiet; you understand that they don’t understand what it is to talk quietly. 
It’s funny that we had to re-learn this with each child. We didn’t notice that they didn’t know how to whisper, until we needed them to; like at church or a movie. I think we thought the younger ones would catch on to how mom and dad and their older sisters whispered, but that wasn’t the case.
It first happened in Jr high! The first day of Jr high, in the lunch room. My friend was already there and as I walked with my tray in hand to sit by my friend, this girl moved close to my friend, eyed me up and down, whispered to my friend, they both looked at me and whispered some more. I had never felt so unwanted or judged before and I quietly went and sat by myself. I lost my friend to her that day.
In high school, I was involved in Drama; I was in the plays and competed in competitions. My few girl friends were all involved in these activities as well. Evidently, Missy wanted to be best friends with the girl I was closest to and frequently tried to stir that pot. I remember asking my friend to talk to me and not believe everything Missy says. We remained friends despite all of Missy’s mischief.
Hit in order to teach your child to NOT hit
So, according to your parent, you can’t hit. . . 
Frustration can be a cause for why a child is hitting, but should not be an excuse. Even adults get so frustrated that they just want to punch someone or something; isn’t that why a parent hits their child who is hitting?! The parent is frustrated with the hitting child and so they hit the child for hitting. This sounds like a vicious circle! Acting out on that frustration models a negative reaction and makes you and your child feel bad.
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