There are some interesting parenting challenges when you have multiple children. Let’s discuss the oldest child!

The oldest child is:

• Part 1
  1.     Bossy-Thinks they are the parent
  2.     Tattle-telling
  3.     Fighting and Arguing- Not getting along with siblings

• Part 2
  1.     Back talks and/or rolls eyes
  2.     Thinks they are overworked
  3.     Knows Everything
  4.     Wishes they were an only child
  5.     Thinks you are harder on them then everyone else

Let’s talk about the oldest child! As an oldest child and someone who has raised an oldest child here are my thoughts on these stigmas.

Bossy- Thinks they are the parent

What oldest child hasn’t been called bossy? No matter what you do they tend to want to be a little bossy, but with good reason. They are older and they have learned so much about what to do and what not to do. However, there are probably things you are doing to contribute to their bossiness.

Are you always sending them to tell, demand, command, threaten, etc the other children, for you? When any child is being told to do these things for you it isn’t long before they do it without your prodding. They are frequently put in a position to command, demand and threaten their siblings, by you. You are pretty much telling them to go be the parent for you.

Are you putting your oldest in a double bind? (Double bind= no matter what they do, they are in trouble.) So, when you are not around and haven’t asked them to deliver a message, when they tell their sibling to do or not do something, do you get after them for being bossy? If they don’t tell their sibling to do or not do this ”thing”, are they in trouble for not being responsible? Do you get after them for not stopping their sibling’s bad choices? What are they supposed to do?

Do you often say things like, “You are older and know better.” or “You aren’t the parent.”?  So, when are they older and know better and when do they let you be the parent? How do they know when and what to do or are they always in trouble? The  boundary becomes so blurred because sometimes they are supposed to say something and other times they are not.

How about when the oldest tries to let you parent by letting you know what is afoot and you send them back with a message: “Mom, said________________”  The oldest is your assistant, the one that “handles” the situation for you and delivers your messages of appropriate behavior as well as consequences and warnings. Often, it becomes easier for the oldest to just tell their siblings what to do because they will be sent to tell them to do it, anyway. They just cut out the “middle mom/dad”. They are doing your job! You are unwittingly turning your child into the 3^rd parent. You are always telling them to tell everyone else what to do and what will happen if they don’t obey. The oldest has consequences for not following your orders and for not getting the younger ones to fall in line. The oldest is often put in this situation and then is called bossy.

DON’Ts

Don’t- Send them to do your job. If a child needs a warning or a punishment, it should come from the parent.

Don’t- Create sibling rivalry by pitting them against one another.

Don’t-Make them the messenger or the tattle-tale (spy)

Don’t-Make your child your “mom-boss” (“dad-boss”)

DOs:

Do- Ask your kid to help out in reasonable ways and at reasonable times.

Do- Be the parent to all of your kids even if you are tired or visiting with friends and family. It’s not your oldest’s responsibility.

Do- Remember that while your oldest is older and wiser than the other kids, they are still kids. They will make mistakes.

Do- Remember that while you have this great helper, you are still the parent and don’t burden them with your responsibilities.

Do- Remind them you are in charge and you will take care of it. (And then do it.)

The Boss often has a Secondary Role as the Sheep Dog

Fetch:

The oldest child often becomes the helper/assistant. You ask them to get and do things for you, frequently. Parents often become dependent on the oldest child getting up and doing what they themselves don’t want to get up and do. Things they would get up and do with the first child, they delegate to the oldest. Some of this is appropriate. Older kids should learn to help out. I am talking about expecting them to be at your beckon call whenever you want them regardless of what they are doing and what is going on. You want them to stop whatever they are doing and help you, so you can continue your conversation or whatever it is you are doing. What makes you think your child is any different? Demanding that your child come running every time you call; is that how you like to be treated?

Do you have them “herd” the other children? I see older siblings carrying screaming younger ones, or pulling them, fighting them all because they were told to take the sibling to a parent. I don’t think this is a good way to encourage sibling love. Who’s responsibility is it really? Be careful you aren’t treating your oldest like the family sheep dog whose responsibility is to fetch and herd everyone else.

DON’Ts

Don’t- Make them your slave or dog who is expected to fetch and herd when you just don’t want to.

Don’t-Delegate your responsibility to your child.

Don’t- Be a lazy parent.

Don’t- Make it harder for your children to form loving relationships with one another.

Don’t- Expect more of your child than you do of yourself.

DOs:

  Do- Ask your other kids to help you out once in a while. They need to learn to be helpful too.

Do- Teach your kids to help out and why. We help out because we are a family and we love one another.

Do-Be respectful. Children need to be respected so they know how to respect others.

Do- Do unto others as you want others to do unto you.

Do- Remember your child is a person with feelings, wants, hopes and has things they enjoy doing. They don’t like to be interrupted when they are busy, engaged or in the middle of something, anymore than you do.

*I remember one time when I asked my 2^nd daughter to get me something and she said, “Can’t #1 get it? Why do I have to?” I answered that she could get it because she is the one I asked and I expect her to help out. I reminded her that #1 doesn’t have to do everything and she can help out, too.

Tattle-telling

Goes along with being bossy. Is your child in a lose/lose situation? They get in trouble for being bossy and so they revert to being the tattle-tale. Perhaps they find that the punishment for tattling is better than the punishment for being bossy. Or maybe there is more reward and satisfaction in tattling.

What are their options? Kids don’t have a lot of options and are at your mercy as to what you will or won’t allow.

Do you expect them to let you know when someone is being naughty and doing something they shouldn’t be doing? Where is that line? How do they know what and when is appropriate to tell or not? Here are the rules we set for our family to help our girls know when it is appropriate to “tattle”

*One time we left #1 to babysit. When we got home, #2 came with her hands on her hips to let me know that #1 made them do everything while #1 did nothing! 1^st I told #2  I wasn’t happy with her tattling like that, trying to get her sister in trouble. However, I did appreciate knowing there was a problem that needed some correcting. Then I asked #1 about what had gone on. I couldn’t help but laugh when she did this little shrug and said, “I was being the foreman.” Then, we had a little chat about it not being her job to make everyone else do what she wanted. I explained to my oldest that being “in charge” wasn’t being the boss. Being in charge is simply making sure everyone stays out of danger. If siblings chose to misbehave I would take care of it. Each child knew they were responsible for their own actions.

DON’Ts

Don’t- ignore the problem because one tattled. Hold each child responsible for their own actions.

Don’t- Leave them to figure it out for themselves on how to handle the situation. Give them guidance.

DOs:

Do- Set boundaries

Do- Sometimes get after both the tattler and the one being naughty. Especially if you know that one just wants the other to get in trouble. However that doesn’t mean naughty behavior gets a break! Be clear about what they did wrong and what they should do next time. If you don’t tell them how to behave differently, they will continue with what they are doing. It might take practice.

Do- Give clear directions for what you want and expect. You want your kids to talk to you and not be shut down. If they feel shut down when they come to you, they may stop coming. There are times that it is appropriate to “tattle”.

Fighting and Arguing- Not getting along with siblings

There are many reasons for this and it isn’t just the oldest child being the problem. Fighting and arguing often occur when children are either over or under stimulated. Sometimes the routine needs to be broken up. Sometimes what they need is more time from you or your spouse. I have another great post about time, here.

Some of this could be the result of turning your oldest into the enforcer? My parents actually used to say, “You are older than they are and bigger than them; make them do it.” How do you “make” someone do something they don’t want to do? Is your oldest expected to keep the rest of the kids in line and make sure they are following the rules? How does a kid judge and know where those boundaries are? They may be clear to you, but kids don’t know; they are learning and trying to do what you want them to do. They have nothing they can hold over the sibling nor do they have the power or responsibility to give punishments, assign extra chores, or take away privileges, nor should they.

DON’Ts

Don’t- Yell, hit, call names (If you don’t want your kids to do it, then model appropriate behavior for them. Kids learn the most from example.)

Don’t- Be inconsistent

Don’t- Make your child the enforcer

Don’t- Put your kids in a position where they “have to make someone do something”.

Don’t- Put the family harmony all on one child (oldest or otherwise). Children acting out is a symptom that something in the family needs to change.

DOs:

Do- Review how much responsibility you are putting on them.

Do- Be clear about the rules and don’t break them because you are too tired.

Do- Make sure parents are the ones giving out punishments or give consequences. (Don’t send a child with messages of punishments and consequences.)

Do- Make each child responsible for their own behavior and actions.

Do-Model appropriate behavior and reasoning skills

Do- Be consistent

Part 2 Read Here. . .

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Part 2: The oldest child is:

• Part 1
  1.     Bossy-Thinks they are the parent
  2.     Tattle-telling
  3.     Fighting and Arguing- Not getting along with siblings

• Part 2
  1.     Back talks and/or rolls eyes
  2.     Thinks they are overworked
  3.      Knows Everything
  4.     Wishes they were an only child
  5.     Thinks you are harder on them then everyone else

Back Talks- Rolls Eyes

Let’s start with back talking. Is your child really back talking? Or are they trying to tell you they are overburdened, over whelmed, or frustrated? Remember, this is a child. They don’t have all the years of experience in handling situations. Teach them how to better express themselves and say what they really want and how they feel. They might be having a hard time finding the right words. Tell them you want to listen to them, that they seem upset but being disrespectful is not how you work things out. This just creates more anger, but keep your cool mom and dad. How are they supposed to learn how to communicate better if you just get mad at them and don’t listen?! They may be trying to be heard before they get cut off.

Now, about rolling the eyes. I was a great eye roller. It was one of the few ways I could express my frustrations. Though when my mom was really angry she would threaten to knock them right out of their sockets. I never felt like I was heard or could express myself. When I would try, instead of talking about problems or issues it would be about my tone or the words I chose. I never had any help and to this day it is hard for me to express myself when I am upset or am afraid someone will be upset by what I say. Eye rolling is a passive-aggressive way of expressing disagreement and irritation especially when you have a hard time finding the words and feel like they won’t listen anyway.

There can be a lot of frustration in being the oldest child. Is it any wonder why your child starts back talking or rolling their eyes? Ask yourself, “What else is going on?” “Why is my child behaving this way?” Children are limited with skills and words to be able to express themselves. They need to be taught. If a child is back talking you either have a respect issue or they are trying to express themselves in the only way they know how. Talk to your child they have real feelings and real thoughts. Are you behaving toward your child, the way you want to be treated? How would you feel if someone was always telling you where to go, what to do, how to feel and sending you to do things for them? Maybe you were raised that way. . . maybe it is time to try something different.

Don’ts

Don’t- Jump to conclusions

Don’t- Focus more on the words or the actions but why are they doing it and what are they really trying to say and express?

Don’t- Match their attitude.

Don’t- Lash out

Don’t-Tell them how they feel or what they think.

Dos

Do- Be Calm.

Do- Remember that you are the adult. You are the parent. Teach them that they will be heard and how to better express themselves

Do- Listen to understand, not to fight back and rebuttal.

Do- Remember what it was like as a kid and how you wish you had been treated

Do- Hear what they are saying and not how they are saying it.

Do- Teach them a better way to say what they are trying to express.

Do- Find out if there is a why to their behavior?

Do- Put yourself in their shoes. Try to understand them. How would you feel if someone was. . . (fill in the blank according to the situation.)

Do- Ask yourself if you are being reasonable.

Thinks they are Overworked

They might be. Evaluate that. Do they need to be graduated to a new job so the younger one/s can learn to help out too? Do jobs need to be rotated? Are rewards and consequences given out fairly? My oldest daughter once made a comment that made me realize we weren’t giving any chores to the youngest and she was old enough to be doing chores, too. The youngest wasn’t too happy about this being pointed out, but it needed to happen.

I related to Cinderella.  Growing up, we had jobs to do and Saturday was chore day. We were told that when we finished, we could go play with our friends. However, that rule didn’t apply to me. Why? Because I am the oldest and I can do more. So, when I finished my job I had to help my sister and then my brother and so on. (I have 5 younger siblings.) So, naturally my siblings waited and didn’t do their jobs because they knew I would end up doing it because I wanted to leave. Seriously! I cleaned the whole bathroom and my sister hadn’t even started dusting the family room or picking anything up! Oh, and if I finished sooner than my mother expected, she would have more for me to do. Why? Because I’m the oldest and can help out more. (No, Cinderella! You can’t go to the ball!) Another consequence from all of this, is that I struggle with believing that rules and rewards apply to me too and that I am worthy of them. There always seemed to be a reason why I didn’t qualify. I have a hard time accepting praise or reward’s.

Don’t

Don’t- Heap more and more on just because they are the oldest. Kids still need to be kids.

Don’t- Be unfair

Don’t- Break your word

Don’t- Set them up for failure.

Dos

Do- Give your kids chores and responsibility

Do- Teach them that we help out because we are a family and like a nice place to live

Do- Give rewards fairly

Do- Give consequences fairly

Do- Hold to your word

Do- Appreciate them and tell them what a good job they have done

Do- Praise, praise, praise for jobs well done and good attitudes! As well as extra things they choose to help with that they haven’t been asked to do.

Knows Everything

My mom always said she hated 5 year olds! She said they always think they know everything! They aren’t trying to prove to you that they are smarter than you. They don’t necessarily know that you know, what they just discovered. They just learned it and are helpfully passing on their new found knowledge and wisdom.

I absolutely love the ages from 3-6! What a fantastic time to pay attention to a child! They have so much to share. They often have wisdom beyond their years. The world is brand new and they are discovering everything! See the world through their eyes! It really is all new to them!

I never had one super insistent that they were right. We ask questions about why they think that and how they learned that and try and help them see another side. Also, if it isn’t a big deal why fight about who is right, they will figure it out eventually or forget about it. Don’t be drawn into a battle of wills over an “idea or thought”.

In dealing with older kids who think they know everything. I don’t have much advice as we really didn’t have that problem, either. There are some things my kids know and understand better than I do. I admit when I don’t know something, but that doesn’t make me dumb. I just haven’t learned it in depth or the way they have. It really does go back to respect.

Don’ts:

Don’t- Take it personally, they think they are giving you new information. They don’t think you are dumb. They just don’t know, you know. Maybe you didn’t tell them and they learned it somewhere else or figured it out for themselves.

Don’t- Get mad. See what they are trying to share or do. Their reason for telling you might not be what you initially think it is.

Don’t- Match wits. You are the adult you really don’t need to get into a round of jeopardy with a child! Your child is not your competitor. No need to prove you are smarter.

Dos:

Do-try to look at it from their perspective. See the world through their eyes

Do- Listen to them and have conversations with them. Let them tell you about the world! You might learn something new!

Wishes they were an only child

I wished this all the time! My mom often told me that I could have had ________________ if I were an only child or if I were the only girl in the family. Hmmm, is it any wonder that there was sibling rivalry in our home?

Other times there were things my brother got to have and/or do and the reason was because he’s a boy.

Wishes of being an only child stem from:

Being the boss, the enforcer, too much responsibility, not enough kid time, disrespected, unappreciated, feeling like no one listens to you, not understood, and little to no quality one on one time with parents.

My oldest never expressed wishes of being the only child. She was very willing to express what she needs. She still tells me when she needs some “mom time”. This can just be going for a walk, a drive, a little shopping or out for a treat. Sometimes she just needed to accompany me while I ran errands. Whatever it is she has time to talk and cry and be hugged. She has my undivided attention.

Occasionally, she had to be reminded that we are the parents and will take care of things because that is what parents do. Occasionally, she would need to be reminded that parents decide what needs to be punished and what didn’t. At those times we re-evaluated whether we were asking her to be more responsible than she should be. Sometimes we were and other times it was just part of being a responsible oldest child.

A little bit of bossiness comes with the territory and it isn’t necessarily a bad thing. They need to be able to handle situations and keep everyone safe when they are babysitting. Also, it wasn’t that long ago that the oldest was the age of their sibling. They know what they are supposed to do and when a sibling isn’t doing it, they try to make it right. They forget they haven’t always known all that they now know or how to do all that they do, now that they are older.

Don’ts

Don’t- Think they hate their siblings, just because they wish to be an only child.

Don’t- Overburden them with responsibilities

Don’t- Make them babysit so frequently that they feel like they are the parent.

Dos:

Do- Give them time to be a kid.

Do- Give them one on one time.

Do- Give them clear guidelines. Make sure they know what you expect, what are the consequences and what can they do if all goes wrong and they are “in charge”.

Do- Tell them you love them.

Do- Hug them, even if they resist.

Do- Let them know you appreciate them and all they do for you.

Do-Get excited about their triumphs and show genuine interest in them and their interests.

Thinks You Are Harder On Them

Many times it is true, because parents have a tendency to mellow as they get older. You don’t worry as much or about the same things as you have more children. All the worry is focused on that first child and new parents take everything so seriously. We find that some of the things we worried about weren’t as big a deal as we once thought. Sometimes we find better ways of doing things (parenting), the needs are different with other children/personalities, we aren’t as stressed, or even that we are tired (and end up doing less than we should). A child that rarely acts out may not be punished as severely as one that frequently acts out.

Don’ts:

Don’t- brush off their feelings.

Don’t- be afraid to apologize. It’s okay to tell them we make mistakes or wish we would have done some things differently.

Dos:

Do- Talk about why they feel that way.

Do- Discuss, if appropriate, why there is a parenting change.

Do- Tell them you love them.

Example

My parents always told me how important my example was to my siblings. Not a bad thing, right. Lots of parents tell their kids this.  It is true, to a point. My oldest complained about math and hated it. She was very vocal about her hatred of math. Consequently, all my other girls have struggled with math and claimed they hated it! Even my #3 who is brilliant with math.

My oldest is a wonderful helper. She sees what things need to be done and will just do them, without being asked. Her sisters do the same thing. Being an example can be for good or bad and everyone is an example whether they want to be or not.

Be careful to not burden your child with being an example. Here is my experience from when I was growing up: I was told that my siblings would make better choices if I was better. They heaped on me responsibility for all of my siblings choices. I was never good enough because my siblings made many bad choices. I only remember lying to my mom once. I didn’t drink, smoke or do drugs. I didn’t stay out past curfew and I didn’t sneak out of the house at night. I still wasn’t good enough because my siblings chose to do many of these things and more. Being told frequently that I had to be a better example all my growing up, has affected my self esteem and how I feel about myself. No matter what I do it is never good enough, as is seen by my siblings actions. I will never be good enough if my worth is determined by someone else’s choices.

It has taken many years and lots of therapy to really feel and understand that I am not responsible for my siblings. Their actions do not define me. I am only responsible for me. I am not perfect and that is okay! I am human and I make mistakes! My mistakes and actions are the only ones I am responsible for.

Don’t;

Don’t- Tell them that if they were a better example their siblings would be better, make better choices, do better things, have less fighting

Don’t- Tell them their siblings behavior is a direct result of them

Don’t- Tie the child’s self esteem to the actions of others (siblings)

Don’t- Always talk about example when behavior is bad

Don’t- Make all family problems your child’s fault.

Dos:

Do- Pull aside child and tell them you were thinking about them and how proud you are of them and the example they set for the younger siblings.

Do- Tell them they are a good example when you see them being a good example and include what the good thing was: sharing, kindness, not getting mad, helping, etc

Do- Remember kids make mistakes, they aren’t perfect and they are still learning.

Do- Focus on the positives.

*The cutest thing ever is when my husband, after work was sitting in the family room with us, our youngest was an infant . . . I was holding her and he turned to me and asked, “Can I hold her for a while?” Of course, I said yes and handed her to him. Our 4 year old turned to me and so sweetly and sincerely said, “Mom, you share your baby good.” This 4 year old recognized an example of sharing and loving. It does this mom’s heart good. She is my responsibility to raise to be a good person. My example to her is more important than any example I have ever been!

Bad Rap

Oldest children often get a bad rap for all of these things, but there are many wonderful things about oldest children. For one thing, without them, there would be no younger children.

I have things I wish I would have done better or differently. I’m sure many parents feel this way.

I love this quote:

Oldest children are said to be more mature, self starters, responsible, good leaders and hard workers. Being the oldest has it’s challenges, but it also has its rewards. Oldest children don’t have to carry this bad rap and you can help them. That is our job as parents, to help and guide them to be good, strong people.

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